clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

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Last one for now...

Post  Drake9735 on Thu Dec 29, 2011 4:49 pm

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

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Another blonde

Post  SnakeCharmer3 on Thu Dec 29, 2011 5:03 pm

There was a blonde in a jeep, she passed two other blondes in an empty field trying to row their boat. The one in the jeep yelled at them saying "You idiots! You make all blondes look dumb. I'd come and kill you if I could swim!"

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Another one?

Post  SnakeCharmer3 on Thu Dec 29, 2011 5:11 pm

There was a blonde on a trans-continental flight. All she wanted to do was sleep but there was a businessman who kept waking her up. The businessman kept trying to get her to take up a bet, the bet was this:
1) If I ask you a riddle and you don't get it, you pay me five dollars.
2) If you ask me a riddle and I don't get it I pay you five hundred dollars.

So after being woken up for the fifth time she agreed. The businessman said she could go first. She asked him, "What goes up a hill on 2 legs and comes down the opposite side with 23". He spent an hour calling all his friends, googleing and essentially all he could to figure it out. After a while he gave up and woke her up, he payed her five hundred dollars and then asked, "What is the answer?" She replied with a five dollar bill.

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This is great guys!

Post  joelbrisco on Fri Dec 30, 2011 6:09 pm

Hay i love all the jokes! lets see if we can get to 10 pages of these! I suggest we all hit google now Razz

Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!

A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,

"Where did you get that?"

The pig replied,

"I won her in a raffle!"

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:

"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Second Blonde:

Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!

Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,

"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,

"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,

"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying,

"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair dyed so she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

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intresting

Post  joelbrisco on Fri Dec 30, 2011 8:16 pm

Things to look out for if you think your cat is trying to kill you!
1 Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2He actually *does* have your tongue.
3You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
4 Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
5You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
6 As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
7Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
8 Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"
9Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
10You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
11Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
12 Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
13 Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
14 You find a piece of paper labelled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."
15 Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
You are addicted when.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
All your kids are named "Joe."
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."


Be On The Lookout For The Following New Viruses

CLINTON VIRUS - Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS - Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) - Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").
DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.
PROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS - Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Top 10 Things That Men Understand About Women

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.


Top 35 Oxymorons

Government Worker
Legally drunk
Exact estimate
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Sweet sorrow
Rural Metro (ambulance service)
"Now, then ..."
Passive aggression
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Rap music
Working vacation
Religious tolerance
Microsoft Works

Top 20 Womens Tee-Shirt Slogans

Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is...
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I look interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies

You Might Be A High Tech Redneck If

Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."
You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."
Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
You wire your network with jumper cables.
Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.
You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."
Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver
Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."
Your yard is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.
Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" disk drive.
You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets.
Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.
You only buy from Gateway, 'cause the cow boxes are a hoot.

Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created

God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

Rules That Guys Wished Women Knew

Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Get rid of your cat.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
You have too many shoes.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Sunday = Sports
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
You have enough clothes.
Nothing says "I love you" like ***. can't show that word Razz

The Real Meaning Behind Personal Ad Abreviations

Most people have at least once in their lives, read through the
singles classified ads. Perhaps wondering what type of person is
behind the ad. Maybe some of you have even answered some of them.

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:

FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

-------------------------------------------------------------------

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother
on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

Things To Ponder Over

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?
Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"


Animals Have The Darndest Thoughts

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"
Dog: "Human legs that just tease."
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Dog: "What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

You Know You Are A True Redneck If

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side..
If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...
If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV...
If you thought the Unibomber was a wrestler...
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
If you think a quarter horse is the ride in front of K-Mart...
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home..
If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $1000,000 worth of improvement...
If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher..
If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...
if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph...
If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see...

How To Talk About Men
This is how to talk about Men and still be Politically Correct:

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

Alternative USA State Slogans
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!!

31 Ways To Say NO
I'd love to, but...

I have to floss my cat.
I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The President said he might drop in.
the man on television told me to stay tuned.
I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
It's my parakeet's bowling night.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
My crayons all melted together.
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I'm in training to be a household pest.
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
My patent is pending.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm sandblasting my oven.
I'm worried about my vertical hold.
I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'm being deported.
The grunion are running.
No

Things I Have Learned From My Kids
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX . (poor woman)

Things I've learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding):

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy


Differences Between Boys And Girls
Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same:

You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Top Ten Reasons You've Got It Easy In Jail

Every night there's a mint on your pillow.
Bars of your cell are rusty from Jacuzzi-steam.
Guards meet with you to help plan your escape.
They replaced your regular coffee with Folgers crystals. In the resulting riot, ten died.
You share a cell with one of Heidi Fleiss' girls.
You get frequent flier miles for good behavior.
You have a summer cell in the Hamptons.
Every day around 4:00 -- pony rides!
Other inmates refer to your cell as "Margaritaville."
You call the warden "daddy."

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS HOSPITAL CHARTS

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound
weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to
work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got
a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock
broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the
abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done
and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn
fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To error is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is
supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number
of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.

And lastly, 'responsible management' and "hands-on management' are both
oxymorons

Jokes To Play on Fellow Astronauts Aboard The International Space Station

Break the radio and say that while everyone was sleeping there was nuclear
battle and everyone is now dead.

Look out the window any scream "We're being boarded!!"

Uncouple the Japanese section, and as they float away helplessly yell
"That's for Pearl Harbour!!..."

Use the Canada arm to start punching the Russian space shuttle and then
exclaim that "they were asking for it with all their freakin' late-night
cooking smells"

Flush a crew member out the air lock and tell everyone he was an alien
planning to kill everyone and that you saved them from being cocooned!

Lock someone outside and tell him you won't let them in until he guesses
the right number between 1-million. Then tell him you were only kidding
and testing his resilience under pressure, and let him in just before his
air runs out.

Dump a bottle of Vodka in the Russian's space suit, smash him over the
head with his space hat, and as he reels about, point at him and exclaim
to everyone: "Hey, look at Euvonnamokinov, he's drunk in space! Lock him
in the ejection pod till we return!"

Instead of bringing your experiments on board, smuggle in a hooker!

When docking the shuttle, start beating the Viking war drum you hid by the
controls and yell "RAMMING SPEED"

NEW FLORIDA STATE SLOGANS

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one
of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Revote.

FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts...

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

FLORIDA: Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

FLORIDA: Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.

Sign on I-95: Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, no wait...10 miles.

MARTHA STEWART'S ETIQUETTE GUIDE FOR REDNECKS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.

5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ...
it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.

3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to
detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it
is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the
movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they cannot hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
ALWAYS has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TWENTY RESPONSES TO USE WITH TELEMARKETERS

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you
asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just
died . . .. "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where
it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work
there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many
kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy
and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky
voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror
as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun
if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends,
would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you
get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to
marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give
your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they
can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the
receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if
he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her
back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out
their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at
right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put
them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.
Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should
probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . .
.. louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word
down.

Name Your Child According To Your Profession

Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor 's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle Thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry

TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM BAD 80'S MOVIES

Smart people wear thick glasses, button-down shirts, and slacks.
Dumb people wear football uniforms.

Everyone in high school was having *** except you and the class
valedictorian.

Your dog is way smarter than you.

France is populated entirely by attractive young women and Gerard Depardieu.

Every Southern town has a fat redneck sheriff named "Smokey."

Mexico is populated entirely by vacationing frat boys.

Parents always come back from vacation a day early.

There are no ugly prostitutes.

It's only possible to win any sporting event in the last three seconds of
the game.

Cheerleaders hate having their shirts on.

The best way to escape your enemies is to drive on the wrong side of the
road.

A student who's failing every class can still rig up an elaborate device to
to answer his phone when he calls in sick.


TEN WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN USING YOUR COMPUTER

1. The monitor is up on blocks

2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them

3. The six front keys have rotted out

4. The RAM slots have Ford truck parts that smell like they
were just dipped in gasoline

5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six

6. The password is "Bubba"

7. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU

8. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive

9. The keyboard is painted in camouflage

10. The mouse is referred to as the "critter"

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN CALIFORNIA

Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

You can't remember...is pot illegal?

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000".

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

You AND your dog have therapists.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM ARIZONA IF:

1. You buy salsa by the gallon.

2. Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of
sand and l00 paper bags.

3. You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

4. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after
October but clear out come the end of April.

5. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.

6. Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El"
or "Los".

7. You think 6 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

8. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that
you can't remember the name of the incumbent.

9. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

10. Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.

11. You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing
funny.

12. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

13. You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in
the Rillito.

14. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

15. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

16. Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

17. You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be
over l00 degrees.

18. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

19. People break out coats when temperature drops below 70 degrees.

20. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your
car.

21. The pool can be warmer than you are.

22. You can make sun tea instantly.

23. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can
use your fireplace.

24. Most homes have more firearms than people.

25. Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"

26. People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are
automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

27. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead
of distance.

28. The AC is on your list of best friends.

29. Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 6:00.

30. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

31. You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.

32. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the
hot one.

33. You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Ocotillo",
"Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon
Rim", "Cholla", and "Ajo."

34. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person
is walking on the streets.

35. You experience third degree burns if you touch any metal part of
your car.

36. You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're
wearing shorts.

37. Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with "in case of
rain......"

38. When someone asks how far you live from a location, it's always in
terms of minutes, not miles.

39. Everyone's smiling and talking about the great weather on rainy
days.

40. If you haven't worked for Raytheon at some time, you must be a
newcomer.

41. You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight
savings time.

TOP 40 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY

The top 40 things you would NEVER hear a Redneck say, no matter how
much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've
wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening:

40. Oh, I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than Espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the Arugula and Radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You ALL.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And the #1 thing that you would never hear a Redneck say.......
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight

HOW COLD IS IT?

+60 Californians put on sweaters.

+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.

+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

+40 You can see your breath.
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.

+35 Italian cars don't start.

+32 Water freezes.

+30 You plan your vacation in Australia.

+25 Ohio water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably.
Minnesotans eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming.

+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation further south.

+15 French cars don't start.
Cat insists on sleeping with you.

+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.

+5 American cars don't start.

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 German cars don't start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don't start.

-25 Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 You plan a two week hot bath.
Swedish cars don't start.

-40 Californians disappear.
Minnesotans button top button.
Canadians put on sweater.
Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50 Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 Hell freezes over.
Polar bears move south.
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.

affraid affraid affraid affraid affraid affraid affraid affraid affraid affraid affraid affraid affraid affraid

READ ALL OF THIS!!!!

joelbrisco
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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:49 pm

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.
She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."
"What did you not understand ?"
And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

Drake9735
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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:50 pm

One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.
They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."

The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd.
She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?"
The blonde responded: "November?"

"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?"
The blonde responded: "Paris?"
So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?"
The blonde replied: "Two?"

“Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.

Drake9735
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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:51 pm

Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."

The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:51 pm

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:52 pm

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:53 pm

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:54 pm

A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:54 pm

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:55 pm

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:55 pm

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:56 pm

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:57 pm

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:58 pm

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 10:00 pm

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 10:01 pm

Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of
an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then
the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it
was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they
landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little
girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came
down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy
who
was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came
down
and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on
the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you
laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the
building behind me blew up!!"

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Re: clearly we need the jokes a flowing!

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 10:01 pm

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

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Lol 4th page....

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 10:02 pm

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.

You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

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10 Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren’t

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 10:06 pm

Reach in and grab the giblets.

Whew! That’s one terrific spread!

I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.

Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.

Talk about huge breasts!

“And he forces his way into the end zone!”

She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.

It’s Cool Whip time!

If I don’t unbuckle my pants, I’m going to burst!

It must be broken, ’cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.

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25 Fun Things To Do At McDonald’s

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 10:09 pm

1. Sit in a corner and pretend like you’re making out with yourself. (This works even better when 2 people are doing it separately.)
2. Pay entirely in pennies.
3. Tell them you require three copies of the receipt for filing reasons.
4. Order a shake, and tell them you want bacon with it. If they say no, complain loudly for others to hear, and scream out, "I guess you really don't wana see me smile do you, because right now I don't exactly feel like smiling in light of the extenuating circumstances!"
5. Ask to see the manager, then complain to him about all of life’s problems. If they don’t let you talk to the manager, walk out muttering, “You're gonna be reading about this in the papers.”
6. While you’re in line, jump up and down like you’re having a spazz attack and scream repeatedly, “YO QUIERO TACO BELL!”
7. Sell White Castle food in the restrooms. Then when people get food poisoning you can blame it on McDonald’s.
8. Walk in wearing a Burger King hat. (Great when 3 or 4 people do this at the same time.)
9. Bring in a fart machine and keep setting it off, meanwhile making comments like, “Man, I knew I shouldn’t have eaten here.”
10. Return your food and tell them you’re allergic to nuclear waste mixed with gasoline byproducts.
11. Bring in a video camera and tell them they’re live on 20/20. (You should see the looks on their faces!)
12. Stand on a table with a megaphone and whenever somebody complains say, “This isn’t Burger King, you can’t have it your way.”
13. Flood the soda fountain machine. (It’s more interesting than flooding toilets.)
14. Walk to the drive-thru window and order. (If you really wanna tick ‘em off, skateboard.)
15. Take about 30 or so straws and blow all the wrappers at people. If anyone gives you a look, act a bit too innocent.
16. Speak gibberish, and act confused when they try to tell you that they don’t know how to speak gibberish too.
17. Chuck something at one of the employees. (I bet you five bucks they chuck it back.)
18. Chuck Skittles, M&Ms, or other small candy back into the cooking area.
19. Take two bites out of your burger, then tell the employee it’s cold and ask for a new one. Then repeat. And repeat. And repeat.”
20. Act like a schizo while you’re ordering. (“I’ll have a cheeseburger.” “No, chicken nuggets!” “Cheeseburger!”) Slap yourself to make it look convincing.
21. Climb on top the Play Place. When they tell you to come down, fall off and pretend your hurt, then threaten to sue.
22. When it’s your turn to order, start a conversation with the employee. Ask them how was their day, etc. When someone gets ticked and calls for the manager, scram, or start a conversation with him too.
23. Try to stuff your coins sideways into the charity box. Then when they don’t fit, start complaining loudly about how McDonald’s is so greedy and how they’re ripping off their charities. (Act really outraged about it.)
24. Try to bribe an employee for cheaper food. If they give in, call the manager. (Keep any food they gave you, though.)
25. Walk in and go sit down in a seat, then grab the little table advertisement thingy, (you know what I'm talking about, the triangular thingy by the salt and pepper, yeah that.) Well look at it turning it over and over and then say defiantly, "I know what I'm going to order, I'm ready!" After about five minutes, scream out, "Waiter!" Then after about five more minutes get up, and stomp out of the restaurant with the advertisement thingy. Then turn arround, come back in, and throw the advertisement thingy at the cashier and yell, "Your service sucks! You just lost yourself a customer, you hear that! A customer! Your not gonna see me smile!"

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25 Fun Things To Do At A Movie Theater

Post  Drake9735 on Fri Dec 30, 2011 10:11 pm

1. Hum the theme song of the movie out loud.
2. Make finger puppets in front of the projector.
3.When gunshots ring out in the movie yell, "Bang! Bang!"
4. Stick a piece of popcorn to the end of your straw and shoot it 6 rows ahead of you. (Works even better with un-popped kernels and Juji fruits.)
5. Use a whoopee cushion. ('Nuff said.)
6. Wear a top hat, a big one.
7. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
8. Go, "Ewwwwwwwwwwww!" And then giggle like a bunch of little girls loudly during the kissing scenes.
9. Clap and cheer when the good guy gets killed.
10. Make a noise like your passing gas and say, "Ahh…"
11. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juji Fruits for your asthma.
12. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast forward it?"
13. When the bad guy is about to do something devious, yell at the top of your lungs, "Watch out!"
14. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
15. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girl's bathroom is flooding.
16. If you've seen the movie before, at the climax, yell out what happens next.
17. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink. Wink
18. wear a cape and when it's your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Ha! Ha!" and run away.
19. Yell, "FIRE!!!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
20. Gently, very softly, place a single kernel of popcorn on the head of the man in front of you.
21. Say that this person can't sit next to you because your invisible friend is sitting there.
22. Scream out, "Hey, this isn't Bambi!"
23. Stare at the person sitting across the aisle from you, then quickly look back at the screen when they look at you. Then, when they turn away, stare again.
24. See if you can get a Juji fruit to stick on the screen.
25. Find an old man or someone, casually walk over by him, then stare him down, for about a minute. Then sigh loudly, sit behind him, then put a fart machine under his seat. Complain about how uncomfortable that seat was, and how you couldn't see over his head, and then walk back to your old seat. Press the button, over, and over, and over. Laugh and point at him whenever you press the button, have someone start a stopwatch when you get back to your seat, and see how long he stays in the theater. (You can also put the fart machine under an empty chair a few rows back from someone, and then sit on the other side of the theater. See their reaction as they look back and see an empty seat.)

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